I don't know where to start. The part where I am still waiting for something that'll never happen; that I am waiting for someone who's never coming back; that I am still loving someone who already forgot about me; the fact that he moved on and I'm still left hanging; and the hardest part, accepting that he may be ready for a relationship now -- the reason why he left. I have to start one by one? I guess so. That's the only thing that could make me feel better.
I had sleepless nights these past few days after reactivating my facebook account. Coz I saw something that gave me new things to think about. BAD things, PAINFUL things. I look at every negative possibility, and that's the thing I hate about myself. So then again, I began having tears on my pillow.
I am still waiting for something that'll never happen; I am still waiting for someone who's never coming back.
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Yes I am, though it's already clear that it won't happen; though I know it won't; though I want to accept that it won't. But there's always a voice inside me, the other me, that contradicts what I have to do. And I'm having a hard time ignoring it 'cause it's dominating me. I don't know what to do or how to shut the voice up. I have been trying to forget and leave it all behind me, but I don't know why I am still holding back. I am only hurting myself.
I am still loving someone who already forgot about me. PUT YOUR HANDS UP IF YOU'RE IN THE SAME SITUATION!!! I guess there are a lot of us -- and admit it or not, it sucks. Holding on doesn't make you stronger, it only shows you're weak and not strong enough to let go. But that doesn't mean that he was showing that he was strong coz he let go, sometimes it would mean that he was so weak that he couldn't hold on anymore. You have no idea which part is he in, the weak reason or the strong reason, either way, you still love him and you are taking all the chances life could give you to move on. But you couldn't. Coz there's something that holds you back.(Why is there always a SOMETHING that holds back?! what the hell is that something?!) ARGH. I can't figure out what I want. I mean, I don't what to react, or what to show other people. I don't know how to act like I have moved on, coz I haven't! I don't know how to act like I forgot, coz I could still remember every single detail -- every feeling! I can't act like I don't love him anymore, coz I still do...
The fact that he moved on and I'm still left hanging; and the hardest part, accepting that he may be ready for a relationship now -- the reason why he left. The last conversation we had, he told me he was too immature for me, that he isn't ready for a serious relationship yet. You know what hurts? It's when after a month and a half, he is ready (if he is, or not, or whatever). I just can't accept the fact that he left coz he wasn't ready, and by the time he was already ready... IT WASN'T WITH ME.
*It's my blog, and I'm free to write WHATEVER I want.